My Messed up life and My Failed Suicide Attempt
by TequilaChica
Summary: What do you think would have happened if when Edward left Bella and then Jake made it much worse? What do you think would have happened if Victoria didn't blame Bella about what happened with James.
1. Disclaimer

Hey I'm TequilaChica. I originally didn't own this story. I adopted this story from my friend Southern AnnaBelle. I also do not own Twilight (unfortunately). I hope you like this story. The first three chapters are from Southern AnnaBelle but the last chapter is all mine. I hope you like it.

Love, TequilaChica


	2. Chapter 1

**The Messed up thing I call my life which is for Eternity!**

**Chapter 1: How much my happened after he left and my suicide!**

**It's been one year since he left me, and in that time a lot has happened. One I had my heart ripped out, two I got a record deal, three I found out I had cancer, four I committed suicide by shooting myself in the chest, five Charlie had a heart attack induced by him finding out I killed myself, and six I was found and changed by Victoria. So my life is just perfect! How's yours? One year ago my boyfriend who happens to be a vampire, left me for the most stupidest reason on earth. Jasper one of his brothers, took a snap at me cause I got a paper cut but yet even thought he knew I didn't blame Jasper because it wasn't his fault cause he has the most trouble controlling his bloodlust. All I did was ruin lives, everybody whom I knew lives have been tainted by my existence. The day they left I went back to the house and drove to a pawn shop and bought a guitar and lessons and I was a natural at it and I started composing. The day I was changed I was on the verge of insanity and was so consumed by the pain that I wanted to end it and I was by using one word…suicide. The day before I went to see my sun who was helping me heal. He goes by the name of Jacob Black. I had been hanging out with him for months and I was actually having a good time, but something was wrong when . **

**-Flashback-**

_**I was in my truck and on my way to La Push to go see my friend Jacob. When I got there he must of heard my truck. It was raining that day. Jacob was walking out of his house with a serious face on and he had shorts on but no shirt, he also had cut his hair to where it was really short. I ran up to him and I felt myself smiling. When I looked at his face the **__**smile**__** left my face.**_

"_**What's wrong Jake?" I asked concerned. **_

_**He kept walking ignoring me so I ran after him and grabbed his arm and pulled him back and he faced me.**_

"_**Hey What the hell Jake?" I said quite angry.**_

"_**Bella What are you doing here?" he said just as angry.**_

"_**Why did you ignore me?" I asked.**_

"_**Bella I can't see you anymore." he said to me.**_

_**I was taken a back and then I heard a voice. **_

"_**Hey Jake you coming?" it said. It was a males.**_

_**I looked to were it was coming from. It was Sam Uley a man who lived on the rez.**_

"_**Jake….what I thought that you didn't like Sam and now your hanging out with him? What did he do to you?" I said pissed.**_

"_**Stop blaming Sam he didn't do anything all he is doing is helping me. If you want blame someone blame those bloodsuckers you love so much." he said quite livid.**_

"_**I don't know who your talking about! Tell me who your talking about." I said with some of my confidence taken away when he said 'bloodsuckers you love so much'**_

"_**The Cullen's" when he put the enfacence on the word Cullen I automatically grabbed my sides trying to hold myself together.**_

"_**Jake….please don't do this I…..it'll kill me if you leave me too!" I said to him tears welling up in my eyes.**_

"_**I'm sorry Bella" He said and walked to his friends and I just stared at him leaving my life and me behind.**_

_**It started raining and I knew I was crying and I was getting wet so I did all I could… I ran for it. I ran to my truck and floored it to the cliff. When I got there I took out my guitar and sat on a boulder and started plucking at some chords. After doing that for a while I started singing with the melody.**_

_**My Tourniquet by Bella Swan **_

_**(A/N: Really by Evanescence) **_

_**I tried to kill the painbut only brought moreso much moreI lay dyingand I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayalI'm dying, praying, bleeding and screamingam I too lost to be savedam I too lost?**_

_**my God my tourniquetreturn to me salvationmy God my tourniquetreturn to me salvation**_

_**do you remember melost for so longwill you be on the other sideor will you forget meI'm dying, praying, bleeding and screamingam I too lost to be savedam I too lost?**_

_**my God my tourniquetreturn to me salvationmy God my tourniquetreturn to me salvation**_

_**(return to me salvation)**_

_**(I want to die!)**_

_**my God my tourniquetreturn to me salvationmy God my tourniquetreturn to me salvation**_

_**my wounds cry for the gravemy soul cries for deliverancewill I be denied Christtourniquetmy suicide **_

**And I planned my suicide**

***eerie music***

**I had grabbed my fathers gun and went to my meadow but it was dead. I didn't care. I went to the middle sat down and looked down at the gun for the longest time and would put it to my head but I kept putting it down and I just couldn't do it, but I sucked it up look at the sky and said my final words…**

"**I'll miss you Jacob and Dad and I love you Edward." I said and my hand was shaking but I didn't care I lightly started to squeeze the trigger. I was about finished when I moved the gun to my chest, not where my heart is but on the opposite side and that's when I heard the loud '**_**BANG**_**' but I never felt the pain come that I was hoping to feel so much. When I shot the gun it sent me sailing backwards and I was now lying on the ground. I just laid there waiting for death to come and take me. After a few moments I heard the light sound of someone running through the forest. Then I heard them come through the opening in the brush, but I didn't look I really didn't care who it was. All of a sudden I heard a ear shattering shriek of "**_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOO". **_**It was a familiar male's voice. They started to run towards me and they started sobbing and they fell on their knees and they picked me up and faced me towards them. It was my Jake.**

"**Jake?" I said in the hoarseness of my voice. I started coughing. When I coughed blood came from my mouth.**

"**No! No! No! No! Why?…B…. Bella Why?" he asked still crying.**

"**I couldn't take the pain any longer Jake. Jake don't take me to a hospital I…..I want to die. I can't go back to the pain I'm so so so so sorry but Jake I don't want to say this but what really drove me over the edge was what you said yesterday." I say and my lungs were starting to fail me and my breathing became horse as well. **

"**Oh my god….. No! No Bella Fight it come back to me Please don't leave me! Please!….." He started to cry harder. I knew I had only a few more breaths in me so I used it to say this.**

"**I'm sorry Jake. I l…love.….you take care of Charlie for me and I want to be buried in my meadow and tell Charlie I'm sorry and that I love him with all my heart and if you ever see Edward again please…..please give him this for me I love you." with a shaky hand I gave him the note I wrote for Edward in his hand and folded them around it. With that I started hacking and then I took my last breath. I saw black but I knew I wasn't dead. So I started listening. About an hour after Jake left I heard someone running through the forest and they were barley audible but I heard them.**

"**Well, Well, Well Who do we have here?" said a female voice that I would and could never forget…**_**Victoria. **_**She finally came for me but was too late I was already dieing.**

**I felt her grab my face and face it towards her. When she did and saw my face and it was me she gasped.**

"**Bella Swan?" she managed to choke out.**

**I then heard to my astonishment her…dry sobbing?**

**Wait…What?**

"**Oh Bella I am so sorry I blamed you for what happened with James. I came in this area to apologize for my behavior but it turned out he was using me. I am so sorry." she said with staggering breaths. She was quite for a few moments and then I heard her gasp.**

"**Bella. Open your eyes. Your not dead." she whispered.**

**I then let my eyes flutter open.**

"**W…What?" I said.**

"**Shh! It's ok. Who did this to you? I swear I will kill them." she growled.**

"**Victoria I did this to me. I shot myself. On purpose!" I told her.**

**Her head swerved to look at me and she leaned over me to look into my eyes.**

"**W….Why would you do that?" she asked.**

**I didn't have to answer all she had to do was look into my eyes and know what caused me to take such drastic measures. **

"**That Bastard" she growled out.**

**I could feel I was slipping away. She knew too.**

**Just as I was about to take my true final breath, I felt something cutting my skin but it was a numbing Novocain kind of feeling. After that all I felt was….**

**Cliffhanger!**

**Happy new year it's officially 2010 and it's 1:29 a.m. where I live. So I hope you enjoy this story.**

**Read**

**Review**

**Tell your friends**

**I don't care.**

**Sorry it's so short but I have worked on this since like 3:30 but I did lots of other things so this is 6 pgs.!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the songs used in this story!**

**Hey every one I just want to say that I was shocked and overwhelmed to see that in one day I had 5 reviews on this story so that I was really happy about. So I'd like to thank these authors who reviewed: spirtgirl101, xxcharlie93xx, GuitarGal421, AngelzFromHell, teamedward1992, thank you all for the reviews and I just got to say that getting your 5 reviews a day after posting gave me the hope so to ****continue**** writing faster. I have never got that many reviews in 2 days so I thank you. Ok another issue, I know I don't update often enough but I think that isn't going to change what with school, and friends, and homework, and all that school crap! LOL. So I will try my hardest but I don't think that's going to change plus guys do me a favor and please tell me if there is any spelling mistakes or grammar cause I am really big on being right with that stuff. So I think I've rambled enough here is the chapter…**

**Plus I thought I would let you know that I will be Co-Writing 'Revenge is my favorite word' with AngelzFromHell!**

**Bella's POV:**

_**Recap…**_

"**Victoria I did this to me. I shot myself. On purpose!" I told her.**

**Her head swerved to look at me and she leaned over me to look into my eyes.**

"**W….Why would you do that?" she asked.**

**I didn't have to answer all she had to do was look into my eyes and know what caused me to take such drastic measures. **

"**That Bastard" she growled out.**

**I could feel I was slipping away. She knew too.**

**Just as I was about to take my true final breath, I felt something cutting my skin but it was a numbing Novocain kind of feeling. After that all I felt was….**

**After that all I felt was the wind rushing through my hair. I then knew what the burning was and I was distraught at the fact that I was going to have to live with the pain I'm enduring for ever till I'm killed and I had shot myself to ****stop the pain**** I didn't want to feel like this anymore and so I was confused also on another note. Why didn't I feel like a fire was coursing through my vains but I didn't care cause I didn't want this anymore. I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I was going to rip Victoria a new one when I got the chance. Oh, she was going to get it. I was wondering if I had to lay here for the next three days doing nothing and being so bored but since I didn't feel anything of the pain of the fire going through me. Victoria had found a house and was living in it and she was with Laurent and for some reason I knew I could trust her. She went inside the house and set me on a ****bed**** in a bedroom on the first floor the thing is they didn't know I barley felt any pain of the venom. I decided to lay there and stay out like a good little girl. All of a sudden Victoria came in and she started talking and she stopped and looked at my face. I felt a little dizzy at the moment also. **

"**Bella? Are you ok?" she asked concerned.**

**All I heard was her scream Bella and then I passed out.**

**I had finally woken up from the numbness. I could hear everything clearly now. **

"**Bella… Bella please open up your eyes to show your brother and sister that your alright." Victoria said softly to me.**

**I then opened my eyes and I could see everything so clearly. When I heard a gasp I turned my head to the side to where the gasp came from. It was Laurent.**

"**What is it big bro?" I asked.**

"**Well Bella…First of all do you know how long you were out?" He asked.**

"**Well wasn't I out for 3 days?" I said with a small giggle escaping my lips.**

"**Well… No Bella you were out for around 10 days not 3!" he said quite embarrassed.**

"**Laurent, Hon you don't have to be embarrassed while I'm around." I told him giggling.**

"**How did you know I was embarrassed?" He asked me quite confused.**

"**I don't know I think it's my power." I said confused also with this knowledge.**

"_**Wow she is quite powerful I can sense it" Laurent said.**_

"**Well Thank you Laurent." I said quite taken aback.**

"**Well your welcome but what exactly are you talking about I didn't say anything" he stated to me.**

**I was lost in thought for awhile and I was thinking of what was going on. I don't know how long it took me to figure it out on what was going on. When I figured it out I squealed with delight and started to jump up and down clapping my hands and when I did that both my sis and bro ran up thinking something was happening or something,**

"**Bella what is it?" Asked Vikki.**

"**Well I've figured out what's going on." I said quite excited. **

"**well…..?" they said in unison which I thought was quite creepy.**

"**I. Have. More. Than. One. Power." I squealed out.**

**I swear when I said that both their jaws dropped. I burst out laughing at their expressions. **

"**WHAT?! HOW?! WHAT ARE THEY?!" they said together again. O…k this is not freaky at all Bella….. Wait! Am I talking to myself? Great! Nice job Bella now your mentally insane. Just Great! Hey I never noticed but Great rhymes with….Jake?**

**I heard a sob rack through my chest and it felt like my chest was caving in on me and I crumpled to the ground. I heard a scream then and I was being picked up…..**

**There you go its done took me 15 minutes to find it (IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY YOU WILL NOT ASK!)**

**Peace out!**

**-Insane-Southerner-16**


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Previously on My Messed Up Life & Failed Suicide Attempt…..

"WHAT?! HOW?! WHAT ARE THEY?!" they said together again. O…k this is not freaky at all Bella….. Wait! Am I talking to myself? Great! Nice job Bella now your mentally insane. Just Great! Hey I never noticed but Great rhymes with….Jake?

I heard a sob rack through my chest and it felt like my chest was caving in on me and I crumpled to the ground. I heard a scream then and I was being picked up…..

Present:

I then heard a scream and I was being picked up and set on a bed. I didn't care who was in the room, I just curled up into a ball and cried with everything I had. I had taken myself away from Jacob and my father because I could only think of myself and my pain and not what my actions would bring to others. I don't know how long I cried but I there was so much to cry for in my life that I couldn't even name or form into words because I was dying at the age of 18 and I was going through so much more pain then just from the cancer; my life was just falling apart and hanging by a single thread. It all was so hard, why does all this bad stuff happen to me? Why did I have to hurt him, god I am so stupid. I just laid there and didn't move a single inch. It was like I was comatose again. I then forced myself to get up I grabbed my guitar and started playing.

Sweet Sacrifice- Bella Swan

(Really Evanescence)

It's true, we're all a little it's so clear,Now that I'm is only in our minds,Taking over all the is only in our minds but it's taking over all the poor sweet innocent your eyes and know you live to break me. Don't day I'm gonna forget your name,And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost is only in our minds,Taking over all the is only in our minds but it's taking over all the poor sweet innocent your eyes and oh you love to hate me don't you, honey?I'm your sacrifice.(I dream in darknessI sleep to die,Raze the silence,Erase my life,Our burning ashesBlacken the day,A world of nothingness,Blow me away.)So you wonder why you hate?Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?You poor sweet innocent your eyes and know you live to break 't sacrifice.

It described me and my life so much. I kept playing with all I had…

Lacrymosa By Bella Swan

(Really Evanescence)

Out on your owncold and alone againcan this be what you really wanted, baby

(Lacrymosa)blame it on me(Dies Illa)

set your guilt free

(Lacrymosa)nothing can hold you back nowNow that your gone i feel like myself againgrieving the things i cant repair and willing

(Lacrymosa)to let you blame it on me

(Dies Illa)and set your guilt free

(Lacrymosa)i don't want to hold you back now, loveI cant change who i amnot this timei wont lie to keep you near meand in this short life theres no time to waist on giving upmy love wasn't enough

(Lacrymosa)And you can blame it on me(Dies Illa)

just set your guilt free, honey

(Lacrymosa)i don't want to hold you back now, love

That song was filled with such passion and meaning that I just kept going and going and by the time I stopped it had been a weeks time. I put the guitar up and left the room I was in and went hunting. When I got back Laurent and Vicky were sitting waiting for me.

"Guys please? I don't want to talk about it." I said.

"No, Bella! Your going to talk about it and you'll do it now!" Vicky yelled at me. I flinched from her yelling at me. "No Victoria I wont. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs and then I ran, I didn't know where I was headed but I didn't care I ran just to cool off steam. When I was calmed down I went and ran back to where I was. I went inside and sat down with them. "Guys I'm sorry for screaming at you, I was just sad and confused but I was mostly angry and I took it out on you. Please forgive me?" I said.

"Of course Bella if anyone understands your feelings it's me." Victoria said then embraced me with a hug. I hugged her back and now I felt the sense of family I was missing. I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew that I was going to get rid of some of the hurt that I felt. I knew I had someone who understood what I felt. I also knew I could never see anyone who I cared about like Jake, Angela, Charlie, Renee, and Phil, but I knew I could cope with that. So here is the beginning of my messed up life is not so messed up!

(I thought of stopping here but im gonna keep going cause I'm a nice person!)

When I let go of Victoria we all sat there and soaked in the silence. Laurent was the one who broke it. "By the way Bella you have a beautiful singing voice and are quite talented at playing the guitar." "Thank you Laurent that's so sweet of you to say" I whispered in thanks. "I have an idea." Victoria said. "What?" Me and Laurent asked at the same time. "How bout we start a career with music. Me and Bella could sing together and alone and Laurent you could be our manager!" she explained. I thought this over for a second. "I love that idea" I squealed.

"Great then it's settled." she said then went to make some phone calls. I thought of how I was gonna be famous and have a family again and I loved those thoughts.

There you are folks another story updated. Review and tell me what you think. Good? Bad? Awesome? Horrible? tell me so I know and can update again.

-Insane-Southerner-16


	5. Chapter 4

Bella's P.O.V.

Our first gig was about a week later at a little bar in Portland. Vikki played the bass and Laurant played the drums while I sang and played guitar. For our first gig we decided to play "Bring me to life" by Evanscece, "Jar of hearts" by Christina Perri, and "Last Night" by Skillet. During "Last night" is when I saw him. I was looking at the crowd and I saw the flash of familiar hair. I looked again to be sure but I could never forget that hair. It was Seth Clearwater. What was he doing here? He isn't old enough to be going to a bar yet. Once we finished our last song I went and I tracked him down which wasn't very hard because of the wet dog smell that all the werewolves have. Little did I know that he wasn't the only wolf there. Once I found him I also found Jake. I tried to get away before he noticed me but I couldn't help but look at how much he has changed in the past month. Then he must of caught my scent and he automatically went on guard and turned to see the threat and saw it was me. The astonishment in his eyes shocked me. I tried to run away but with the crowd I couldn't move fast enough and he caught me. He drug me to the back room where he asked me so many questions and I had no clue how I should answer so I just stayed quite until he was done. Finally his last question was "How are you alive?" Then the air shifted just enough so he smelt the vampire scent again little did he know that is was my scent and his first reaction was to guard me, then he figured out the scent belonged to me. He then backed away and asked me "Why the fuck would you do this to yourself Bella? I could have taken you to the Hospital, I could have made it fast enough so you wouldn't have to do this to yourself." "Jake I was dying anyway, I just tried to speed up the process which apparently didn't work." I was practically crying at this point. "How were you dying Bella? And why didn't you tell me?" He asked kind of shocked. "I had cancer Jake. I had only a few more months to live because the treatment stopped working about two months before I shot myself." Now I was at risk of breaking down and crying. Jake just looked so hurt that I didn't tell him. "Your dad had a heart attack after he figured out what happened to you Bella." He finally said after about five minutes. "Now you can go back and tell him someone saved you and the person who saved you didn't know who you were so they didn't know where to find your dad and now you are all better." "I can't do that Jake." I said crying. "Why not? You seem pretty in control of you thirst Bella." He said after he turned away from me. "I just can't face him Jake. What would he say? He still thinks I have cancer. So how can I go back for a few months and not get sick then suddenly have to die from cancer? I can't do that to Charlie, it would just kill him to have me back for a short time then lose me again. It is best this way Jake." I said when I stopped crying long enough to actually talk. "I can hardly live without you Bella. Why do you think I am here drinking when I'm not even old enough to? I am trying to get rid of the pain I felt when you killed yourself Bella!" I couldn't help it, I broke down crying and I just sank to my knees and I couldn't get back up even if someone started to chase after me. I suddenly felt really hot and next thing I know I am sitting on Jake's lap and he is just holding me while I cry my eyes out over missing him. When I finally started to calm down I asked him if he could stay with me tonight. "Of course I can Bella. I just have to think of what to tell the guys for the reason for me not coming home." "Don't worry about them Jake. Don't you have that wolf telepathy thing going on anyway so it's not like they don't know how to get ahold of you." I said trying to just get out of this place before I cried some more. "That is true but I still think that I should at least tell them I'm leaving and that I will explain later." He finally said after a few minutes and before I could say anything else he was out the door and back within ten minutes.

Jake's P.O.V.

Most of the pack and I were at a small bar in Portland and this new band came on. I was just standing there listening to the band when I heard the lead singer's voice. It sounded familiar but I wasn't sure where I heard it from. When they were done I caught the scent of a vampire and the pack and I went on guard looking around and that's when I saw her. Bella! Screamed my thoughts and Seth asked what I was doing when I was halfway between her and the pack chasing after her. I talked to Seth through my thoughts and told him I will be right back and not to follow. I ran after Bella and grabbed her and pulled her into a back room and started asking questions like where have you been, are you ok, are you hurt, what's going on. Finally I calmed down enough to ask, "How are you alive?" Then I smelt it again and I automatically went into defense mode and watched from all sides until I noticed that the scent was coming from Bella. That is when I blew up. "Why the fuck would you do this to yourself Bella? I could have taken you to the Hospital, I could have made it fast enough so you wouldn't have to do this to yourself." I just couldn't stand it. I started trembling and I felt like I was going to change right there then I remembers back to that day I found Bella in the meadow and how she said what really sent her over the edge was when I said I couldn't see her anymore. Just then her response to me blowing up registered. "How were you dying Bella? And why didn't you tell me?" I felt hurt that she didn't tell me sooner when she was still herself. I was just about to cry when what she said registered "I had cancer Jake. I had only a few more months to live because the treatment stopped working about two months before I shot myself." I can't believe that she never told me. How was I supposed to cope when she died if she never told me what she was dying from? I had so many thoughts going through my head at the time and it took me forever to respond to her. Everything that happened next went by so fast. She started crying and we talked about her dad and how she should go back and tell him she is fine but she couldn't handle it and eventually she broke down and fell to her knees and I went over to her and sat down and pulled her into my lap and just let her cry. When she was finished she sat up and asked if I could stay with her tonight. At first I thought why would she want me to do that then I realized that she is still Bella and she still loves me which is the only reason why she is like this now because I pushed her to do it. I said I could but I had to talk to my pack first. And with that thought I left her and went to find my pack. When I found them they all had this look on their face like where have you been, but all I could say is that I had to go because a friend is having problems. They looked at me while I downed a beer real fast to help with my pain I felt from our talk and then I was off. I first went to where I left Bella but she wasn't there and I now know her scent so I followed it until I found her talking to the band that was playing earlier and that's when I noticed that she was the singer…

Sorry guys but this is where I am finishing for this chapter. Hopefully my next chapter will be done soon. Leave a review about how much you liked or anything that you wish I should put on there.

Love, TequilaChica


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